i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
