I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
