You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
