apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
