my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
