He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
