i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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