I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Randomize
