we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize