Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
