Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
