last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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