he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
