I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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