he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
