Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
