operation have a gay friend backfired
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
