Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
