I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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