I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
