Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sorry my hands just texted you
You have to summon your inner elephant
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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