if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
