if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
