we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
