Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize