I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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