She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
