her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Randomize
