So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize