All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
