What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
