I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
