I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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