So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
