There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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