I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
