all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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