Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
