Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
