Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize