I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
