Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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