She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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