What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
