he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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