stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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