i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
