I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
