I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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