so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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