My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize