alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
