What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
