i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize