I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
