Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dignity is for republicans.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
