I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
God I need to hump something, right now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
