ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
