i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
