I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
