Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
