if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
