can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
