I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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