A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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