Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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