are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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